I Want to Want: A Story About Longing, Loneliness, and Hope

Mmm, the marmalade smells wonderful— like vanilla and baked apple all at once. It smells of life and energy, of a beauty that only those with a true soul can sense.

And the holidays are coming… At home, I’ll whisk together some milk, eggs, and flour, and make myself delicious pancakes for Christmas and New Year’s. I’ll add a spoonful of that amber quince marmalade in the center, and prepare a beautiful Italian coffee to warm my soul and awaken every sense in my body. Mmm… I can’t wait to eat a few pancakes filled with my lovely quinces. Oh, but of course I have to be careful with what I eat—I gain weight so easily… I’m always on alert because of the extra kilos, especially during the holidays.

Hmm… the holidays….the holidays arrived almost without me noticing… They bring me a bit of sadness, to be honest. Sadness that, once again, this year I didn’t manage to find what I want and long for; that I didn’t find meaning, or at least someone who could take the cold away… even though I really did put in a lot of effort, by the way.

Anyway…

We humans always seem to be waiting… with hope… waiting for love, waiting for happiness, waiting for better days. We wait for Saturday and Sunday so we can rest from the job we don’t like, yet we’re too lazy or too afraid to change. We wait, and we wait… and time passes, while the very thing that could fill our lives with warmth and joy never seems to come.

We live a boring, monotonous life… from weekend to weekend, from summer to summer, from nine to five. And that’s how life slips by. I’m not even sad that I’m getting older and that one day my story will close its final chapter— if this is all my life is meant to be, then what’s the point, really? As harsh as it may sound.

I don’t want to keep waiting for the summer, dear readers… I don’t want to keep waiting for happiness, which I apparently cannot build for myself.

We need to want more from this life!

I want to want!

Oh, I love that word – want. But not the superficial interpretation of the word, but the deeper, more existential one. Not wanting sex, whiskey, and French fries, but wanting more than this boring everyday life and, of course, fighting for it, because you can’t just sit around and wait for it to fall into your lap. It takes hard work, discipline, and probably a price to pay. Don’t be like the masses, who, sadly, have become a community of consumers who only eat, drink, go to parties, and reproduce… and one day just die… becoming another gravestone in the cemetery that no one will ever know.

You should want to be like an eagle — one that conquers the heights, that soars above, instead of living low to the ground… in the dust, in the temporary, in the things that fade and turn to nothing.

Yes, we will all turn to dust one day, but some people will leave a mark behind — a mark greater than their mortal life. Some will build prosperity for society; others will write a book that inspires. Some will sing a song that comforts the pain in people’s souls, or simply help someone in need and give hope and a smile to a broken heart… a smile that will shine into eternity.

I want to want! More than what life gives us, more than what I encounter in my everyday life…

I want to want! A life that is different — a life filled with beauty, with meaning, not just food, drink, drugs, and sex.

Where has beauty gone? Where has the meaning of being human gone?

Holidays have become all about eating and drinking, and their meaning has been distorted… Christmas has become nothing more than a roast turkey, and no one even remembers why the whole family gathers anymore — everyone just wants their present, and that’s it.

The divine spark that shapes our soul has somehow disappeared…

Who still delights in the birds in the sky? Who?

Maybe birds really do die alone.

I want to want! A life filled with dreams and inspiration, a life that embodies my true essence.

We humans, are born to be great beings, not just ordinary and temporary. We carry a divine spark within ourselves — we just need to ignite it and turn it into an eternal fire…

But… anyway.

The quince marmalade is warm, warm like our hearts. But is there anyone who can feel that warmth? Is there anyone who can taste the flavor of our soul? You tell me, dear readers — is there anyone?

During the holidays, while I eat my pancake with quince marmalade, I will imagine that dream life — full, beautiful, overflowing with love and fulfilled dreams.

I will picture myself on the island of Capri in Italy, in some charming little place nestled among the green cliffs, dancing to the melodies flowing from the mandolin of some handsome sun-kissed Italian musician.

I will imagine myself happy and accomplished among the high cliffs of Capri that seem to send you straight to Heaven, surrounded by the endless blue sea where the sky seems to melt… and of course, among the bright yellow lemons glowing like tiny stars.

I will be like Jupiter, the Roman god.

Ah… the scent of Italy, the scent of the Mediterranean… and of course, the beautiful Italians who are in love with life — dolce vita… È tutta un’altra storia…

I’ll pour myself some meloncello, because limoncello tastes bitter to me now… and I don’t want bitterness in my life anymore.

Hmm… silence…

I want to sing.

I want to live.

I want to feel happiness, love, and success.

I want to want from this life…

I want to want!