No, I don’t want any more sugar! I don’t want the marmalade to be so sweet. Ours, dear readers, is a different kind of marmalade—a blend of truth and illusion, of poetry and ugliness, of love and hatred. Such is life itself—a unique mixture of the Higher and the Lower, of mud and stardust. After all, God created our ancestors, Adam and Eve, from clay… just a mere handful of clay. And we, humans, supposedly born of this clay, still lift our eyes to the heavens and gaze toward the stars. We dream of a world we never quite managed to create. We keep waiting for something that never comes!
Will it ever come? I don’t know.
But it’s time to make the first jar of marmalade — I hope your souls are hungry for the golden quinces of my life, and of your life, too— bitter-sweet, touched with truth, and filled with love and fire.
Jar One— Lonely Christmas
All our lives we search for warmth; all our lives we search for love – not the ordinary kind where you live with someone just so you’re not alone and can share the heating and electricity bills, but the real kind – the one that fills your soul, that heals the emptiness in the center of your chest. People search and search…and still, it never seems to come… At least for me, that love has not appeared. Not yet. I say “not yet” out of superstition, because they say that words shape our fate and what we think and speak comes alive within us, becoming our reality. We must choose the words of our soul with care.
When there is no love in life, a dreadful loneliness sets in. Еspecially haunting and merciless, with the scent of cinnamon, is the loneliness of December…the Christmas loneliness. That beautiful holiday, Christmas—a celebration of family, the day when everyone gathers to welcome the birth of a new beginning, of salvation, of the Savior himself, Jesus Christ. A day when, supposedly, all quarrels and resentments are forgotten, replaced by gratitude and forgiveness
But what happens when you come from a broken family, one where, apart from coldness and hatred, there has never been Christmas spirit, there has never been love or warmth? What happens when you, too, have never managed to find love or build your own small, beautiful home? Then, like the Kraken rising from the dark depths of the Scandinavian seas, Christmas loneliness emerges — wrapping you in its terrifying tentacles. You see festive lights twinkling in the streets and shop windows, dancing joyfully across the world around you. You see Christmas markets filled with smiling families, with lovers exchanging tender gifts — and inside your soul, there is only darkness. Inside you, there are no Christmas lights to chase away the darkness, only a small candle that barely burns. But it is not the beautiful candle adorned with festive ornaments, the kind that we see in Christmas movies. It’s a small, simple candle, as if bought from a church. A candle that you light within yourself, with a plea, with a heartfelt prayer, whispered softly to that power up there in the Heavens— asking to be freed and saved from this lonely Christmas. It is a heavy prayer, a cry from the soul — a wish to feel what it’s like to celebrate with someone who loves you, to know the beauty of this bright, sacred holiday. And yet, every year, the result is the same—on Christmas, you always remain alone. Not physically, of course, you can always celebrate with your friends, that’s not the problem. You remain alone in spirit. Alone in love.
And the smell of cinnamon suffocates you, because it constantly reminds you that it’s Christmas outside, and you’re not celebrating. You try; you give your best to somehow deceive reality—you buy a small Christmas tree and decorate it, you buy a white Christmas star to shine on your table, you give yourself a gift and try, unsuccessfully, to be happy and lie to yourself that everything is fine.
But deep down, you know that it is not true. Inside, you quietly and bitterly curse the very person who was born on Christmas more than two thousand years ago. You curse Him because this year you are alone again, because this year your only warm companion is the smell of cinnamon coming from the sweets bought by a couple in love, the one you passed by on your way home alone.
You put on Christmas music and play Christmas movies in an attempt to create a cozy atmosphere free from loneliness, but no matter how hard you try, even the snowflakes outside seem to know that your effort will fail. Even the snowflakes, born of the cold, gently tap against your window to remind you that there is no one to give you warmth, that you don’t have that dream home, which is not just a space, but a place filled with love.
And so it is every year—the lights shine brightly outside, yet inside you, it remains dark and empty. The best moment comes when the December holidays are over—when Christmas and New Year’s have passed. Somehow, harmony and peace settle over your soul, because there is no one left to remind you of how empty your world truly is.
Oh..the marmalade seems to have started to curdle – it tightens our throats as if it wants to suffocate us. I know…these words are painful. Yet, a beautiful calmness descends upon the human heart whenever one shares the pain within their soul. If you are sad-cry, shout, sing, write… pour out your sorrow; don’t let it stay inside you and oppress your inner world. If it stays inside you, it turns into black tar that will one day make you sick and destroy you.
You will probably hear countless suggestions on how not to feel sad and lonely at Christmas, and for some of you, they truly will help and bring a bit of happiness. For example, call a friend or family member, join a community or an event, or volunteer in different charity initiatives, which is a powerful way to feel connected and needed. You can also limit your social media use, stay physically active, and create your own rituals of gratitude and self-compassion- all of which can bring peace to your mind.
Loneliness is a completely normal feeling- one that, sadly, has become more and more common among people. Each of us must find our own meaning in life.
But loneliness can also be a powerful, atomic energy- a force that can propel you toward the heights you’ve dreamed of all your life. For me, it is important that you use this emotion- this pain and loneliness- not as a negative, destructive energy, but as a creative one that you can invest in building a more beautiful life for yourself. Don’t sink into the swamp of depression and despair; instead, use the ashes of your pain-ravaged soul to build a ladder toward a brighter, more magnificent life — one where you can fulfill your highest goals and desires.
Take this lonely time to study, create, and evolve! And I am convinced that when a person does what they love, when they grow and stay true to their essence — when they walk confidently along their path — somewhere along the way, love will come. Somewhere along the way, your savior will be born. We must embrace loneliness and use it to become a better version of ourselves.
When you bring the pain out of you and transform it into creative energy to fulfill your dreams, your soul grows lighter, and you find the strength to greet the morning once again — another day of hope, another day of looking up at the stars.
And we, humans, supposedly born of clay, still lift our eyes to the heavens and gaze toward the stars – don’t we?
And may the candle you light within your soul this Christmas grant your most cherished desires.
Happy lonely Christmas…y’all
Oh, Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree, you never change your branches…
